Tim Lott's family columnFamilyDo you turn up the TV to drown out the sound of your bickering children? Tell them to bully bullies back? Are you really a rubbish parent?Parents, do you ever wonder how good you are at bringing up children? Complete my “Am I a Good Parent?” questionnaire and find out:
1. You are watching TV. Expletives, screams, thuds and crying drift down the stairs ruining your viewing pleasure. Your kids are fighting – again. Do you:
a) Turn up the television so you can’t hear. It’s the only way they’re going to learn to sort out their disputes.
b) Go upstairs, calmly and quietly sit them down, explain the complexities of justice and settle the argument in a mature, conciliatory fashion.
c) Shout at them.
2. Your son/daughter is – again – refusing to eat the tiny particle of green matter you have put on the side of their plate next to the pile of carbs, sugar and fat, which are the only food groups they will consume. Do you:
a) Sling them a vitamin tablet and let it go. What the hell, it’s only food.
b) Patiently explain why it is healthy for them to eat a mixed diet and that eating greens is something a good middle-class child must do.
c) Shout at them.
3. Your child has just done something that your partner considers to be unacceptable. You, however, don’t think it’s a big deal. They launch a fierce attack on the child. Do you:
a) Intervene on behalf of the child.
b) Support your partner, even if you think they are wrong.
c) Shout at them both.
4. The school report arrives. Your child’s results are way down on last year’s. Do you:
a) Give them a stern talking to and tell them to raise their game or they will end up stacking shelves in Tesco or, worse, eating food from Tesco. You ignore their sighs and eye rolls.
b) Tell them that in the end it’s only exams and that the worth of a person is not measured in performance reports. You ignore their sighs and eye rolls.
c) Meet their teacher and shout at them.
5. Your child tells you that another child is bullying them at school. Do you:
a) Tell them to fight back. Bullies only pick on the weak.
b) Tell them to ride it out. Eventually the bully will get bored and leave them alone.
c) Tell them to shout at them.
6. You’ve made sacrifices to take your children away on an expensive holiday. There is nothing they like about it. There are no other children to play with, the food is too fancy, there’s not enough to do, and they wish – loudly and repeatedly – that they could have stayed at home and played with their screens. Do you:
a) Shrug and let it pass. That’s just kids for you.
b) Try your hardest to make the experience a positive one for them by putting more effort into ensuring that they enjoy themselves and apologising for getting it wrong.
c) Shout at your partner for talking you into it, the children for being unappreciative and the resort staff just because they’re in the vicinity.
7. It’s Christmas Day. The floor is piled with presents. The children, however, are not concentrating on the delights they received but all the things they wanted that they didn’t receive. Your patience is wearing thin. Finally you unveil the “big present”, the one you know has the wow factor. Their faces fall. Whining starts. Do you:
a) Promise to take it back and get something else first thing in the new year.
b) Explain patiently that Christmas is not just about gifts. Ignore their sighs and eye rolls.
c) Shout at everyone and let them shout back at you – after all, it is Christmas.
Results: Mostly As – You’re a rubbish parent; mostly Bs – You haven’t got a clue; mostly Cs – You’re an idiot.
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